This could possibly be the most difficult post I've written. It's real and it's transparent and I feel totally vulnerable, and not really sure that I should post it.
But, the Lord has laid it on my heart with such conviction that I have to post, not just as a catharsis for me, but to help someone else.
I have had a rough few days....
Nothing significant has happened, there have been no crises....
My children are great, husband is good...
Life is Great......
I am not.
I am sad, the gut wrenching, lump in your throat, up in the middle of the night sad.
I have no reason why.
It started on Saturday..
I woke up early, took a shower, did my hair...
and brokedown.
I looked in the mirror and despite the fact that I have recently dropped 19lbs,
regardless of the fact that I had a new "Sassy haircut"
I hated what I saw...
To the point of tears....
The day continued like that.....
I was home with Michael and Isaiah and I had no desire to do anything..
I really just wanted to be alone...
I felt gross, unworthy....
I had absolutely no joy, NONE!!!
I think I went to bed around 8pm....
I just didn't feel like facing life.
I had half-hearted conversations..
pretending that I was interested in life..
Truth is..... I wasn't.
I really, truly just felt nothing but self-loathing..
I thought I looked "old",
that progressed to my feeling that I've accomplished nothing,
which then progressed to a feeling of failure,
It snowballed into self-loathing.
Sunday came. and I felt that feeling all over again,
Before I even left my bed, I prayed..
Asking, begging God to remove this depression that was overtaking me.
I felt it, I knew what it was,
I was depressed, it wasn't over a situation or a worry,
it just felt like life was "too much".
I felt like I was treading water,
I was tired.
I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want to go anywhere.
But, I went.
I went because I know that regardless of how I feel, God shows up.
Worship was amazing, we sang about "Chains Falling Down"
We sang "My Soul Will Sing, My Soul Will Sing"
We sang the words "and if our God is with us, then what can stand against"
I felt like God was orchestrating this service for me, just for me
Pastor got up to speak and do you know what word the Lord had laid on his heart for that day
BREAKDOWN
Now I was sure that the Lord was meeting me right where I stood,
in the muck and mire of life...in my personal pit.
I felt as if God himself was standing on that stage and He was preaching to an audience of One.
Every word pierced my heart, it was as if he was reading my mind...
The sermon spoke honestly and very directly about Depression.
I would love to say that I walked out of service with a new heart, a spring in my step and an everlasting Joy....
But I can't say that....
I left feeling better...but not BETTER.
I went about my Sunday, still a little "off".
and I went back to church to meet with God on Sunday Night.
Obviously the Lord knew that I was still struggling....
the music was "spot on", once again
We were singing "It is well, with my soul"
and I so wanted it to be..
Then Tara brought the word...
She had no idea how I was feeling...
She spoke on the Beatitudes...
Specifically being "poor in spirit"..
How those are the ones that The Lord will bless,
those are the ones that the Lord will use.
That was me.
Poor in Spirit.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me....2Cor 12:9
This was a verse from her text and I wrote it down, and I am standing on it!!
I am weak... weak in spirit....
It's uncomfortable..
it's out of character for me.
and I do not like it!!
However, if I must be weak, to receive His grace...
then I will endure...
If I must be down and depressed and feel unworthy...
in order for Him to wield His power in my life...
then I will press on...
I want to boast about my weakness..
because I need His power to rest on me.
I am still struggling...
it's not easy, especially when I don't know why I feel like this.
But, I am standing on His word,
believing that "His mercies are new every morning".
I know this is not an encouraging note,
but I know that the Lord put it on my heart to post.
Someone needs to hear this, and to know ,
Weakness is also a part of God's plan.
Humbly,
Shelly
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